The Fucking Internets | It’s all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy. – D.H. Lawrence

The Fucking Underwear Workforce

You can be a productive member of society and never leave your house. In fact, it seems that you’re considered more productive if you stay inside, in your underwear, forever.

Can I multitask, or what?

Living in the future, with the fucking internets at your fingertips, means never having to put on pants. Recently unemployed, I’ve found that I’m spending more and more time in my underwear. Once upon a time, you could have pointed at me and accused me of feeding off of the government tit for as long as possible, but that’s not true today. I can do everything online.

Let me make that clearer, I have to do everything online.

With few exceptions, everyplace I go to find work (and I’m not slumming yet) lets me know that they may be hiring, but they’re not sure and what I need to do is go home and log on to the website and find and apply for jobs there.

“Ok, but do you have an application I can fill out here and leave with my resume for your manager?”

Blank stare, followed by, “I think they have the internet at the library if you’re one of those poor people or technophobic or something.”

I have the fucking internets at home, thank you. So I go there, and apply for jobs. Look for jobs. Send resumes. In my boxers.

I also collect unemployment. I do that on the fucking internets as well. In my underwear! Fuck, I can do that from my phone! Once upon a time, you had to stand in line to get your check. Or use a stupid phone and make phone calls and push buttons while you were connected to a wall. By a wire. By a wire!

A couple of jobs I’ve applied for have let me know that I may be interviewed online, and ask me if I have access to a computer with skype, a web cam and a microphone. I can be interviewed in my fucking underwear! I mean, sure I’ll put on a shirt and a tie. But anything else is fair game. I may even not wear underwear if I get one of those online interviews! Why bother? The only potential problem might be if they ask me to get up and dance around. Or if the interviewer is hot.

“I’m sorry, but… why is your tie bobbing up and down like that?”

“Um… in-ter-nets?”

Like a boss!

And one of these jobs I’ve applied for is to work from home doing tech support. So again, underwear!

I could, in theory, become a very valued and productive member of society without ever putting my pants on one leg at a time. Or at all.

Shopping? There is nothing that I can not order online and have shipped to my door.

If I were a church going man, I could go to mass. Online. I get I could even order church crackers and have them transubstantiated through the power of Christ, online! Because if there is a God who can do anything at all, well let me put it like this:

Can God program a firewall that even He can not breach?

Yeah… not going to happen.

Even with family obligations, underwear is a fashion choice. I get status updates on my daughter’s school progress online. Communicate with her teachers via email (how quaint!). I talk with my family online. Sometimes, I’ll text my daughter or use facebook to tell her something from the next room! And not because I’m lazy, it’s just the best way to get her attention. And usually it’s to tell her that she’s hogging my bandwidth and should get some fucking sleep already.

And don’t start in with that health shit, either. My bedroom is big enough that I can order a treadmill and a bowflex and have them┬ádelivered. I guarantee that I can find a trainer willing to skype in and tell me to exercise. In my underwear.

So, people of the fucking internets, there is no reason to put on pants. Ever. This is your future! Live in the now! In your underwear!

Fuck. I really want to go outside now.

In my underwear.

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