If I were The Doctor, Gary Coleman would be The Master
That’s Doctor Who references in the title, for you heathens.
I got a desperate text message from dear friend and fellow twitterwhore @sleepjunky.
@sleepjunky: Gary Coleman, down!!! Gary Coleman, DOWN!!!!!!
Me: Gary Coleman Down?
@sleepjunky: He’s in the hospital! He’s precarious!!!
Me: No, he’s precocious! Oh! Wait! Oh noes!
Gary Coleman has long been my foil, my nemesis, my … Gary Coleman.
In the long time that Gary Coleman and I have been at war, I have often made many jokes and cartoons at his expense. Some of these have been lost forever.
Some of them have not.
So in the interest of sparking within Gary Coleman the will to live to strike back at me another day, I present three of the cartoons (well, two cartoons and one movie poster) that have previously made the Fucking Internets a nice place to bring your kids.
Well, maybe not YOUR kids.
Here we have Gary Coleman in The Matrix. In keeping with the bad taste I usually displayed at the time, I included Dana Plato who was already dead, Todd Bridges who was probably in jail or smoking crack, and that guy who played their adopted dad, whose name I forget because he was just as obscure when I did this picture as he is now.
This is not Photoshopped. I used some other program. Either way, Gary Coleman looks dashing, don't he?
Early in his career, Gary acted in a little known sci-fi film. He was replaced after shooting started because he kept peeing in his costume.
ed. That’s not fucking funny. Gary Coleman can’t piss. He has no fucking kidneys man!
The film was called Star Wars in Space (thanks @bonniegrrl) or something like that.
Well, maybe it's a better known film than I give it credit for. Have you heard of it?
At one time, I fancied myself a comic book writer. So to boost my ego, I drew a two page comic book called “Comic Boook”. I thought that extra “o” was funny at the time. It probably wasn’t. Also, one of the two pages was the cover. But Gary Coleman was in it. And so was the cast of “Willow”. Remember that movie? That movie would have kicked ass if Willow wasn’t in it.
Actually, if it was Willow from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, it probably would have kicked ass.
Anyway…
You may need to do that clicky thing in order to fully see this mother.
Yes, anyway, despite all of the mean ways I’ve drawn or done whatever to Gary, the truth and real life has been harder on him than I ever could be.
Because who has two thumbs and made a mockumentary called “Midgets vs. Mascots?”
This guy…
Gary Coleman has had plastic surgery to look like a fucking Muppet! If Jim Henson were alive, he'd fucking sue!
Gary, Gary, Gary… Oh, Gary Coleman. The world would be less strange without you. Not by very fucking much, but still… that ought to count for something.
