Foursquare and 7 mins ago: dharmaBob @ Fucking Internets
Hey, stalkers! Here I am!
So I finally submitted to foursquare. I was mildly aware of it, in the sense that I was seeing bits of “so-and-so unlocked the ass badge!” or “so-and-so became the Mayor of this bar and/or coffeeshop” with a foursquare link attached to the tweet, status update or scrawled on the filthy bathroom walls of my home.
For a while, I thought it was a game. Like farmtown or fishtown or “Ass-Pirates of the Social Network” on the facebook. I paid little attention. But then my very close friend @sleepjunky started doing weird things like becoming the Mayor of our local Barnes and Noble or QuickChek and I just had to fucking see what the fuck this was about.
It’s not quite a sheep following thing. It’s just that I know this girl very well. And if she’s doing something like this in the little time she has in between dealing with clones, propagation, and hell-monkey wrangling, it had to be something very quick and simple, fun, or good for helping you maintain some semblance of sanity. It might have even been something fucking useful for fuck’s sake!
Well. It’s quick and simple, anyway. And I suppose if you live in more happening cities, it’s potentially more useful than a stalker-help desk.
The idea is that, when you go someplace (hopefully someplace cool, interesting or involving sex and beer), you tell the world that you’re there. You check in with the world, in case the world cares or needs to know where you are at all times. You would do this on your smartphone (apps exist for the big three and a half of iPhone, Blackberry, Android and Palm Pre), via text, or their mobileweb page.
So, when I’m at Barnes and Noble to drink coffee, I would check in and shout something like “I’m at the fucking Barnes and Noble, drinking coffee with @sleepjunky!”
Other foursquare users would then see (and on twitter and facebook, since I have it set to update them as well), that I am at Barnes and Noble. They could click the link and get the google map location of my ass. And they could then potentially come to meet me for coffee, ignore my need to constantly inform the entire fucking world of my whereabouts, or send assassins to my location to “rub me out”.
Note: foursquare should NOT be used by soldiers in the field. This is worse than tweeting for shit like that.
Sarge D @ Secret Military Base 3 mins ago
(172 Goat Herd Path, Kabul Afghanistan)
Also, at the moment, I’m asking my kid NOT to join in on the foursquare fun. This is bad for the kids, folks. For example, I just went to the foursquare page, looked for a hot chick and found out that she’s the Mayor of a certain Starbucks. This probably means that she is there often. This means that I can go stalk her there.
It’s bad enough my kid is on the Fucking Internets at all. I don’t want someone to be able to find her @ Candy Store in Bumfuck, New York.
And like I mentioned above, there are nifty badges I can unlock! I have already unlocked the newbie badge. This means that I am not so retarded that I can actually use foursquare, or that I have done more than sign up for just one more fucking internets fad that I will then ignore, like most twitter users do.
Along with badges, there’s a point system in which you compete with people you’re friended to. You get points for the number of check ins, the type of check in, if you do things on a to-do list or tips that other people have suggested.
Remember mySpace? Yeah, me too. Sort of the way I remember walking home from school when I was seven. It was something I just did every day inbetween more adventurous pursuits.
On top of badges or letting stalkers know where you are, you can also actually become the Fucking Mayor of a particular venue (That’s what places you’re at are called… venues). I imagine that there’s a badge as well, but the message gets sent out that “so-and-so just became the Mayor of the Vince Lombardi rest stop!”
Most places, this gets you nothing but the respect and/or envy of other foursquare users. But there are some places where this will actually get you something. Some places will give the Mayor a free beer, or coffee, or lap dance! I haven’t seen illegal drugs or blow jobs yet. But I’m sure that’s only a matter of time.
Despite my mockery, I do enjoy this foursquare thing. Like many others, I even added my home as a Venue (hint: call it something other than simply “Home”), as well as the home of my kid’s mother. I’ve left the locations intentionally simple, just “Kingston, NY”, so that stalkers will have a harder time finding me. It’s also useful for the exploration and discovery of places you may not have thought about checking out, reasons to check places out, or places you never knew existed. So, you know, nice work there!
I’ve come home and did some minor edits on this post. Linkages and things. Before I did, I made sure that I hit the foursquare app on my Blackberry and informed the world that I am @ Home: Serenity.
And this is where I’m going to bed.
See you on the Fucking Internets,
dharmaBob
dharmaBob
